My Fearsome Craps - Revision history

Ubernerd: /* My Fearsome Craps: Tales of Restroom Destruction */

2009-04-07T14:38:58Z

My Fearsome Craps: Tales of Restroom Destruction

← Older revision		Revision as of 14:38, 7 April 2009
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	- I just went to the bathroom and had hard gas and corn shot out. Just one single burst. It was intensely horrifying. I almost let that one out in the cube because there's hardly anyone around. My god, that was close. I would have lost that gamble so bad... and since the showers are no longer anywhere near my group's area, I would have had to waddle all the way downstairs and diagonally across the building to cleanse myself. '''Smell Rating: 10 Hobo''' --[[User:Ubernerd\|Ubernerd]] 16:25, 20 March 2009 (EST)		- I just went to the bathroom and had hard gas and corn shot out. Just one single burst. It was intensely horrifying. I almost let that one out in the cube because there's hardly anyone around. My god, that was close. I would have lost that gamble so bad... and since the showers are no longer anywhere near my group's area, I would have had to waddle all the way downstairs and diagonally across the building to cleanse myself. '''Smell Rating: 10 Hobo''' --[[User:Ubernerd\|Ubernerd]] 16:25, 20 March 2009 (EST)

			- Man, I am so proud of myself. As you all know, the canonical pile of crap is always pictured as a neat little coil, but how many of you have actually MADE a pile resembling an actual spiral? Well, now, I can proudly say that I have crafted a spiral turd. And I didn't even have to stand up and turn around the bowl! This little bugger was shaped like a cross between a corkscrew and a drill bit, and 100% pure art. I think I have last night's dinner of bacon-mushroom brick oven pizza and deep fried macaroni-and-cheese-bites to thank for that masterpiece. '''Smell Rating: 5 Hobo. Bristol Number: IN A CATEGORY OF ITS OWN''' --[[User:Ubernerd\|Ubernerd]] 09:38, 7 April 2009 (EST)

	===Q&A Section===		===Q&A Section===

	* ''How do you handle constipation?''		* ''How do you handle constipation?''

Ubernerd at 21:25, 20 March 2009

2009-03-20T21:25:31Z

← Older revision		Revision as of 21:25, 20 March 2009
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	"UHHHH?? What's going on?" I thought, because I was still trying to figure out this new piece of equipment. The smell started getting worse and so I put the vacuum upright and clicked it into place, which (as I figured out) redirected the flow of air from the bottom of the vacuum right up through the handle (because it detaches and turns into a mini hand vac). This turned out to be a bad move because basically, it caused the vacuum to aim the stank-air RIGHT INTO MY FACE. I was horrified. I turned the thing off and went to go eject the canister because I figured that's where the cat turd ended up, and much to my surprise, the canister was REALLY WARM. I guess part of the design features of the Dyson cyclone technology is that it uses the empty canister as the heat sink for the motor that produces the massive vacuuming power, and so it was basically cooking up a hot fresh cat poop omelette. Upon further examination, and emptying the canister, I found that there was not one whole turd, but a whole lot of turd particles that had been ground up in the fine metal mesh of the inner filter as the turd was going around in the cyclone. So, in the span of less than 24 hours of owning the thing, I have coated the inside of my BRAND NEW vacuum cleaner in the smell of concentrated ass. I can't vacuum now without		"UHHHH?? What's going on?" I thought, because I was still trying to figure out this new piece of equipment. The smell started getting worse and so I put the vacuum upright and clicked it into place, which (as I figured out) redirected the flow of air from the bottom of the vacuum right up through the handle (because it detaches and turns into a mini hand vac). This turned out to be a bad move because basically, it caused the vacuum to aim the stank-air RIGHT INTO MY FACE. I was horrified. I turned the thing off and went to go eject the canister because I figured that's where the cat turd ended up, and much to my surprise, the canister was REALLY WARM. I guess part of the design features of the Dyson cyclone technology is that it uses the empty canister as the heat sink for the motor that produces the massive vacuuming power, and so it was basically cooking up a hot fresh cat poop omelette. Upon further examination, and emptying the canister, I found that there was not one whole turd, but a whole lot of turd particles that had been ground up in the fine metal mesh of the inner filter as the turd was going around in the cyclone. So, in the span of less than 24 hours of owning the thing, I have coated the inside of my BRAND NEW vacuum cleaner in the smell of concentrated ass. I can't vacuum now without
	filling the room with the odor of hot litterbox and ionized air. I really hope to god that this smell goes away when the cat crap dries out and eventually flakes away over time. Otherwise, I'm going to have the Dyson Nobody Wants. --[[User:Ubernerd\|Ubernerd]] 12:22, 24 June 2008 (EST)		filling the room with the odor of hot litterbox and ionized air. I really hope to god that this smell goes away when the cat crap dries out and eventually flakes away over time. Otherwise, I'm going to have the Dyson Nobody Wants. --[[User:Ubernerd\|Ubernerd]] 12:22, 24 June 2008 (EST)

			- I just went to the bathroom and had hard gas and corn shot out. Just one single burst. It was intensely horrifying. I almost let that one out in the cube because there's hardly anyone around. My god, that was close. I would have lost that gamble so bad... and since the showers are no longer anywhere near my group's area, I would have had to waddle all the way downstairs and diagonally across the building to cleanse myself. '''Smell Rating: 10 Hobo''' --[[User:Ubernerd\|Ubernerd]] 16:25, 20 March 2009 (EST)

	===Q&A Section===		===Q&A Section===

	* ''How do you handle constipation?''		* ''How do you handle constipation?''

Ubernerd: Hobo Power!

2009-03-16T21:14:27Z

Hobo Power!

← Older revision		Revision as of 21:14, 16 March 2009
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	'''This page will be frequently updated with recollections of the fearsome craps people take in their offices and the discussions that ensue. All are welcome to contribute to the repository of specimen documentation. Examples of specimen description include color, consistency, aroma, intensity, speed, angle of bowl entry, and taste. Enjoy!'''		'''This page will be frequently updated with recollections of the fearsome craps people take in their offices and the discussions that ensue. All are welcome to contribute to the repository of specimen documentation. Examples of specimen description include color, consistency, aroma, intensity, speed, angle of bowl entry, and taste. Enjoy!'''

			'''As an additional feature to more adequately convey and describe the intensity of smells to our friendly readers, My Fearsome Craps now proudly utilizes the [[Hobo Power Scale of Bad Smells]].'''

	An Infomative Wikipedia Article on [[Human Feces]]!		An Infomative Wikipedia Article on [[Human Feces]]!


	- I just pinched the funniest looking turd in the office bathroom. It started out as a skinny little thing already, over 1 ft. in length, but after the first 8 inches of log, it seemed like my sphincter forgot that there was more coming, so it just started to pinch off, thus extruding the last 6 inches into this skinnier piece of crap that was maybe 3/4 –inch in diameter. It reminded me of the Play-Doh toys I had when I was a child and pretended to be an Eye-talian pasta-making chef with the various shapes of extrusion. I wonder if there is a market for such a product to aid in the rectal formation of fecal matter into amusing shapes and diameters? Is it possible to make a back door canelloni? Gnocchi? Rigatoni?		- I just pinched the funniest looking turd in the office bathroom. It started out as a skinny little thing already, over 1 ft. in length, but after the first 8 inches of log, it seemed like my sphincter forgot that there was more coming, so it just started to pinch off, thus extruding the last 6 inches into this skinnier piece of crap that was maybe 3/4 –inch in diameter. It reminded me of the Play-Doh toys I had when I was a child and pretended to be an Eye-talian pasta-making chef with the various shapes of extrusion. I wonder if there is a market for such a product to aid in the rectal formation of fecal matter into amusing shapes and diameters? Is it possible to make a back door canelloni? Gnocchi? Rigatoni?

Ubernerd: hot cat poop story

2008-06-24T17:22:06Z

hot cat poop story

← Older revision		Revision as of 17:22, 24 June 2008
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	I experienced some unpleasant stomach cramps this morning; no doubt a byproduct of eating far too much delicious grease-tastic food the night before. Upon depositing my corn-loaf (surprisingly slick in its escape!) into the office john, my olfactory senses were assaulted with a most powerful odor, replete with chemical undertones. From the depths of my bowels came a terrible sound, the notes resembling those uttered by a smothered dying walrus, which tore at my heart and begged me to look upon the humanity and the destruction. I looked into yon bowl to investigate, and came face-to-face with none other but a miniature re-enactment of the most tragic oil spill in history: the disaster at Prince William Sound. Floating atop the water line was a thin yet visible film of oil, slowly spreading and seeping over the mounded toilet paper glaciers; wreaking its silent lipid-death on the surrounding sea-life. Below the water, the sad sinking corn-log lay broken in two, so reminiscent of the great husk; all that remained of the once-glorious tanker that was the Exxon-Valdez. I was overcome with sorrow at this poignant display... a reminder to us all of the importance of saving the environment. Perhaps the National Wildlife Foundation would have appreciated a picture, for use in their annual give-a-thon calendars, and yet to capture the beauty of this ephemeral natural display would have robbed it of a certain je ne sais quoi. And thus, with a single flush, the artwork was disposed, such that the world may never know. --[[User:Ubernerd\|Ubernerd]] 12:24, 20 May 2008 (EST)		I experienced some unpleasant stomach cramps this morning; no doubt a byproduct of eating far too much delicious grease-tastic food the night before. Upon depositing my corn-loaf (surprisingly slick in its escape!) into the office john, my olfactory senses were assaulted with a most powerful odor, replete with chemical undertones. From the depths of my bowels came a terrible sound, the notes resembling those uttered by a smothered dying walrus, which tore at my heart and begged me to look upon the humanity and the destruction. I looked into yon bowl to investigate, and came face-to-face with none other but a miniature re-enactment of the most tragic oil spill in history: the disaster at Prince William Sound. Floating atop the water line was a thin yet visible film of oil, slowly spreading and seeping over the mounded toilet paper glaciers; wreaking its silent lipid-death on the surrounding sea-life. Below the water, the sad sinking corn-log lay broken in two, so reminiscent of the great husk; all that remained of the once-glorious tanker that was the Exxon-Valdez. I was overcome with sorrow at this poignant display... a reminder to us all of the importance of saving the environment. Perhaps the National Wildlife Foundation would have appreciated a picture, for use in their annual give-a-thon calendars, and yet to capture the beauty of this ephemeral natural display would have robbed it of a certain je ne sais quoi. And thus, with a single flush, the artwork was disposed, such that the world may never know. --[[User:Ubernerd\|Ubernerd]] 12:24, 20 May 2008 (EST)

			- Since I shared this gross story about How I Ruined My Vacuum Cleaner with Steph, I figured I should share it with the rest of you:

			For my birthday, Blackberry gave me a special birthday-turd. It was super stinky and ultra-fresh. Right there on my bedroom floor at the foot of my bed. I stepped in it and it was soft, so I could definitely tell. She seemed very pleased with her gift. I thought to myself "Oho! It is my birthday so I will clean the living jesus out of this place while I have the armoire out of the way." So I got my spiffy and intimidating new [http://www.dyson.com/store/product.asp?product=DC18-ALLFLOORS vacuum cleaner] and I started to clean. Whilst pushing the vacuum vigorously, I accidentally ran over the cat turd in the bedroom, and I heard a "schlooop" noise. Suddenly everything began to smell terrible.

			"UHHHH?? What's going on?" I thought, because I was still trying to figure out this new piece of equipment. The smell started getting worse and so I put the vacuum upright and clicked it into place, which (as I figured out) redirected the flow of air from the bottom of the vacuum right up through the handle (because it detaches and turns into a mini hand vac). This turned out to be a bad move because basically, it caused the vacuum to aim the stank-air RIGHT INTO MY FACE. I was horrified. I turned the thing off and went to go eject the canister because I figured that's where the cat turd ended up, and much to my surprise, the canister was REALLY WARM. I guess part of the design features of the Dyson cyclone technology is that it uses the empty canister as the heat sink for the motor that produces the massive vacuuming power, and so it was basically cooking up a hot fresh cat poop omelette. Upon further examination, and emptying the canister, I found that there was not one whole turd, but a whole lot of turd particles that had been ground up in the fine metal mesh of the inner filter as the turd was going around in the cyclone. So, in the span of less than 24 hours of owning the thing, I have coated the inside of my BRAND NEW vacuum cleaner in the smell of concentrated ass. I can't vacuum now without
			filling the room with the odor of hot litterbox and ionized air. I really hope to god that this smell goes away when the cat crap dries out and eventually flakes away over time. Otherwise, I'm going to have the Dyson Nobody Wants. --[[User:Ubernerd\|Ubernerd]] 12:22, 24 June 2008 (EST)

	===Q&A Section===		===Q&A Section===

	* ''How do you handle constipation?''		* ''How do you handle constipation?''

Ubernerd: /* My Fearsome Craps: Tales of Restroom Destruction */

2008-05-20T17:24:39Z

My Fearsome Craps: Tales of Restroom Destruction

← Older revision		Revision as of 17:24, 20 May 2008
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	- I took a particularly liquidus shit this morning at the office - it wasn't altogether that unpleasant. I hadn't actually felt any pressure building, and truth be told, it wasn't all that much of a relief the way I had expected a BM would be. Upon wiping a few times, however, I noticed an interesting yellow coloration patterning the paper, along with a few tendrils of semi-fibrous and undigested substance. It was, however, uncharacteristically smelly in a way I had not noticed prior to wiping, for the payload seemed relatively stench-free. I inspected the bowl, only to find that I had populated a veritable coral reef with a collection of spotted-color anemones! The particular landing of these semi-cohesive turds arranged themselves in such a fashion that while each loaf was its own separate entity completely submerged under water, clouds of fiber tendrils formed along the topside of the solid turd-bases lazily suspending themselves in the toilet tides, much akin to a living coral reef. I took a moment to observe this beauty - nature at its finest, while the fecal anemones enjoyed their tenuous purchase on the porcelain reef, before flushing them out with the low tide, and in so doing, continuing the cyclical nature of oceanic life. --[[User:Ubernerd\|Ubernerd]] 11:06, 28 September 2007 (EST)		- I took a particularly liquidus shit this morning at the office - it wasn't altogether that unpleasant. I hadn't actually felt any pressure building, and truth be told, it wasn't all that much of a relief the way I had expected a BM would be. Upon wiping a few times, however, I noticed an interesting yellow coloration patterning the paper, along with a few tendrils of semi-fibrous and undigested substance. It was, however, uncharacteristically smelly in a way I had not noticed prior to wiping, for the payload seemed relatively stench-free. I inspected the bowl, only to find that I had populated a veritable coral reef with a collection of spotted-color anemones! The particular landing of these semi-cohesive turds arranged themselves in such a fashion that while each loaf was its own separate entity completely submerged under water, clouds of fiber tendrils formed along the topside of the solid turd-bases lazily suspending themselves in the toilet tides, much akin to a living coral reef. I took a moment to observe this beauty - nature at its finest, while the fecal anemones enjoyed their tenuous purchase on the porcelain reef, before flushing them out with the low tide, and in so doing, continuing the cyclical nature of oceanic life. --[[User:Ubernerd\|Ubernerd]] 11:06, 28 September 2007 (EST)

			- <i>After a long hiatus from fearsome turd poppin' due to various attempts at health, nutrition, and fitness, I have once again returned to the ways of unhealthy, mediocre, and sub-par fooding thanks to long ugly nights toiling away on a major government robotics contract and Chili's Curbside To-Go. Quesadilla explosions aside, this morning's edition of XXXXXXTREME POOP was attributed to a delicious dinner of linguine carbonara, prepared with love and lard by Ranson and Bertha. Enjoy:</i>

			I experienced some unpleasant stomach cramps this morning; no doubt a byproduct of eating far too much delicious grease-tastic food the night before. Upon depositing my corn-loaf (surprisingly slick in its escape!) into the office john, my olfactory senses were assaulted with a most powerful odor, replete with chemical undertones. From the depths of my bowels came a terrible sound, the notes resembling those uttered by a smothered dying walrus, which tore at my heart and begged me to look upon the humanity and the destruction. I looked into yon bowl to investigate, and came face-to-face with none other but a miniature re-enactment of the most tragic oil spill in history: the disaster at Prince William Sound. Floating atop the water line was a thin yet visible film of oil, slowly spreading and seeping over the mounded toilet paper glaciers; wreaking its silent lipid-death on the surrounding sea-life. Below the water, the sad sinking corn-log lay broken in two, so reminiscent of the great husk; all that remained of the once-glorious tanker that was the Exxon-Valdez. I was overcome with sorrow at this poignant display... a reminder to us all of the importance of saving the environment. Perhaps the National Wildlife Foundation would have appreciated a picture, for use in their annual give-a-thon calendars, and yet to capture the beauty of this ephemeral natural display would have robbed it of a certain je ne sais quoi. And thus, with a single flush, the artwork was disposed, such that the world may never know. --[[User:Ubernerd\|Ubernerd]] 12:24, 20 May 2008 (EST)

	===Q&A Section===		===Q&A Section===

	* ''How do you handle constipation?''		* ''How do you handle constipation?''

Ubernerd: New Fearsome Crap, plus moving entry to Discussion section

2007-09-28T16:06:54Z

New Fearsome Crap, plus moving entry to Discussion section

← Older revision		Revision as of 16:06, 28 September 2007
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	And I guess this also happens to answer the first question in the Q&A section below. Thank you, Dennis.		And I guess this also happens to answer the first question in the Q&A section below. Thank you, Dennis.

	- I ~~would like to become~~ a ~~volunteer to test out~~ the ~~machine featured [http://www~~.~~craigslist~~.~~org/about/best/orc/408390645~~.~~html here]~~ - I ~~will strive~~ to ~~document~~ the ~~results~~ of this ~~machine~~ on ~~my bowels~~, and ~~I shall pass~~ the ~~savings on to you, dear readers!~~--[[User:Ubernerd\|Ubernerd]] 11:55, 27 September 2007 (EST)		- I took a particularly liquidus shit this morning at the office - it wasn't altogether that unpleasant. I hadn't actually felt any pressure building, and truth be told, it wasn't all that much of a relief the way I had expected a BM would be. Upon wiping a few times, however, I noticed an interesting yellow coloration patterning the paper, along with a few tendrils of semi-fibrous and undigested substance. It was, however, uncharacteristically smelly in a way I had not noticed prior to wiping, for the payload seemed relatively stench-free. I inspected the bowl, only to find that I had populated a veritable coral reef with a collection of spotted-color anemones! The particular landing of these semi-cohesive turds arranged themselves in such a fashion that while each loaf was its own separate entity completely submerged under water, clouds of fiber tendrils formed along the topside of the solid turd-bases lazily suspending themselves in the toilet tides, much akin to a living coral reef. I took a moment to observe this beauty - nature at its finest, while the fecal anemones enjoyed their tenuous purchase on the porcelain reef, before flushing them out with the low tide, and in so doing, continuing the cyclical nature of oceanic life. --[[User:Ubernerd\|Ubernerd]] 11:06, 28 September 2007 (EST)

	===Q&A Section===		===Q&A Section===

	* ''How do you handle constipation?''		* ''How do you handle constipation?''

Ubernerd: THE MACHINE.

2007-09-27T16:55:02Z

THE MACHINE.

← Older revision		Revision as of 16:55, 27 September 2007
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	Posted by --[[User:Ubernerd\|Ubernerd]] 15:50, 18 April 2007 (EST) on behalf of Mog		Posted by --[[User:Ubernerd\|Ubernerd]] 15:50, 18 April 2007 (EST) on behalf of Mog

	- ~~In an attempt to take my mind off of a very stupid little-girl crush~~ I ~~have most~~ recently ~~developed~~, ~~I shared~~ the following ~~story with my zephyr class in an attempt to distract myself... because everybody knows that nothing cheers me up better than talking about poop~~:		- I recently made a long post on The Aftermath of Wildfire, which included the following excerpt recounting a requisite Fearsome Crap:

	After a weekend of consuming extremely well-made hippie food (far too good for normal "camp" food - real camp food does not contain scallops), sprinkled with a good serving of tofu in the mix, I arrived home to find that Tom had, in my absence, cleaned up the entire house and scrubbed everything shiny and clean in anticipation of my arrival (and to pad the fact that he had invited a bunch of friends over to foul up the living room with boffer weapon scraps and beer bottle empties). Of course, I barely had time to appreciate all of this and all the "we missed you!" hugs because I was frankly about to explode from the weekend of rich buttery hippie food. In fact, the last good hard squeeze nearly sent the prairie dog a-poppin', and I was forced to politely excuse myself to the restroom before I soiled myself right there all over the floor. Let me tell you that the rest of this story was not pretty. It turns out that someone had left the water line in the bowl extremely low (occasionally an asynchronous pair of toilet flushes will do it), which provided me NO splash zone to muffle the smell. It was a sharp, acrid, and full-bodied stench, and took the form of a gelatinous glob (the tofu) interspersed with several beefy logs which I was later able to identify as the difference between the "meat" portions of my meal and the "tofu" portions of my meals. plop meat, plop meat, fffftttttt tofu, plop meat. After voiding my bowels, I felt at least 10 lbs lighter, and realized that not only was I not completely on my A-game at the fire festival from not having slept well, but on account of carrying around this massive payload for the whole weekend I must've looked at least 10 lbs fatter. But I digress. The upshot of this story is really the fact that the massive payload of justice, combined with the low water level in the bowl resulted in the ugly phenomenon we all know as shit-streaks. In a freshly scrubbed toilet no less. The only thing that left me more guilty than the paint-job i'd left in the can, was the toxic odor that was left to waft out the door to poison the rest of the houseguests and sent them quickly packing.		After a weekend of consuming extremely well-made hippie food (far too good for normal "camp" food - real camp food does not contain scallops), sprinkled with a good serving of tofu in the mix, I arrived home to find that Tom had, in my absence, cleaned up the entire house and scrubbed everything shiny and clean in anticipation of my arrival (and to pad the fact that he had invited a bunch of friends over to foul up the living room with boffer weapon scraps and beer bottle empties). Of course, I barely had time to appreciate all of this and all the "we missed you!" hugs because I was frankly about to explode from the weekend of rich buttery hippie food. In fact, the last good hard squeeze nearly sent the prairie dog a-poppin', and I was forced to politely excuse myself to the restroom before I soiled myself right there all over the floor. Let me tell you that the rest of this story was not pretty. It turns out that someone had left the water line in the bowl extremely low (occasionally an asynchronous pair of toilet flushes will do it), which provided me NO splash zone to muffle the smell. It was a sharp, acrid, and full-bodied stench, and took the form of a gelatinous glob (the tofu) interspersed with several beefy logs which I was later able to identify as the difference between the "meat" portions of my meal and the "tofu" portions of my meals. plop meat, plop meat, fffftttttt tofu, plop meat. After voiding my bowels, I felt at least 10 lbs lighter, and realized that not only was I not completely on my A-game at the fire festival from not having slept well, but on account of carrying around this massive payload for the whole weekend I must've looked at least 10 lbs fatter. But I digress. The upshot of this story is really the fact that the massive payload of justice, combined with the low water level in the bowl resulted in the ugly phenomenon we all know as shit-streaks. In a freshly scrubbed toilet no less. The only thing that left me more guilty than the paint-job i'd left in the can, was the toxic odor that was left to waft out the door to poison the rest of the houseguests and sent them quickly packing.
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	The End. --[[User:Ubernerd\|Ubernerd]] 08:37, 25 September 2007 (EST)		The End. --[[User:Ubernerd\|Ubernerd]] 08:37, 25 September 2007 (EST)

	- '''DOUBLE FEATURE BONUS:''' Here is an extra story credited to Sir Dennis of Awesome, who was also trying to cheer me up after the object of my ~~little-girl~~ crush failed to return my email:		- '''DOUBLE FEATURE BONUS:''' Here is an extra story credited to Sir Dennis of Awesome, who was also trying to cheer me up after the object of my schoolgirl crush failed to return my email:

	"This is a Pevner story. One semester, Pevner thought it would be really funny to live off of Mac and Cheese alone, so he does this faithfully for a month or two, eating nothing else. One day, he finds that he's really constipated and can't shit. Like, at all. After a few days of this, the pain gets exponentially worse and worse until he's rolling around in bed crying because he can't sleep. So he goes to see Medical, who refer him to MGH. MGH isn't sure what's up, think maybe he has appendicitis or something. "No, seriously, I can't shit, that's all", he tried to tell them. They insist on performing some sort of medical test where they stick a tube of saline into his ass and a radioisotope into his stomach, and put him in an MRI machine to watch where the food gets stopped. They tell him that the tube of saline is often applied to a lot of old men who can't hold their bowels and not to be embarassed if he leaks shit out onto the table. So they put it in there, and him inside the machine, and sure enough, he becomes a nasty brown river while they tell him to hold still inside the machine. Then he feels a rumbling in his stomach, and all of a sudden bolts out of the MRI machine and runs into the nearest bathroom with the saline tube still up his ass. He fills the entire toilet to the brim, flushes, backs it up and then has to do it again. Anyway, the brief time he was in the MRI shows that his intestines were swollen to something like 3 times their natural size. Their hypothesis was that all of the Mac and Cheese made some sort of a		"This is a Pevner story. One semester, Pevner thought it would be really funny to live off of Mac and Cheese alone, so he does this faithfully for a month or two, eating nothing else. One day, he finds that he's really constipated and can't shit. Like, at all. After a few days of this, the pain gets exponentially worse and worse until he's rolling around in bed crying because he can't sleep. So he goes to see Medical, who refer him to MGH. MGH isn't sure what's up, think maybe he has appendicitis or something. "No, seriously, I can't shit, that's all", he tried to tell them. They insist on performing some sort of medical test where they stick a tube of saline into his ass and a radioisotope into his stomach, and put him in an MRI machine to watch where the food gets stopped. They tell him that the tube of saline is often applied to a lot of old men who can't hold their bowels and not to be embarassed if he leaks shit out onto the table. So they put it in there, and him inside the machine, and sure enough, he becomes a nasty brown river while they tell him to hold still inside the machine. Then he feels a rumbling in his stomach, and all of a sudden bolts out of the MRI machine and runs into the nearest bathroom with the saline tube still up his ass. He fills the entire toilet to the brim, flushes, backs it up and then has to do it again. Anyway, the brief time he was in the MRI shows that his intestines were swollen to something like 3 times their natural size. Their hypothesis was that all of the Mac and Cheese made some sort of a
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	And I guess this also happens to answer the first question in the Q&A section below. Thank you, Dennis.		And I guess this also happens to answer the first question in the Q&A section below. Thank you, Dennis.

			- I would like to become a volunteer to test out the machine featured [http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/orc/408390645.html here] - I will strive to document the results of this machine on my bowels, and I shall pass the savings on to you, dear readers!--[[User:Ubernerd\|Ubernerd]] 11:55, 27 September 2007 (EST)

	===Q&A Section===		===Q&A Section===

	* ''How do you handle constipation?''		* ''How do you handle constipation?''

Ubernerd: Minor edit to Pevner's Poopies story, submitter's name changed to protect the innocent

2007-09-25T13:48:16Z

Minor edit to Pevner's Poopies story, submitter's name changed to protect the innocent

← Older revision		Revision as of 13:48, 25 September 2007
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	The End. --[[User:Ubernerd\|Ubernerd]] 08:37, 25 September 2007 (EST)		The End. --[[User:Ubernerd\|Ubernerd]] 08:37, 25 September 2007 (EST)

	- '''DOUBLE FEATURE BONUS:''' Here is an extra story credited to Dennis ~~Perepelitsa~~, who was also trying to cheer me up after the object of my little-girl crush failed to return my email:		- '''DOUBLE FEATURE BONUS:''' Here is an extra story credited to Sir Dennis of Awesome, who was also trying to cheer me up after the object of my little-girl crush failed to return my email:

	"This is a Pevner story. One semester, Pevner thought it would be really funny to live off of Mac and Cheese alone, so he does this faithfully for a month or two, eating nothing else. One day, he finds that he's really constipated and can't shit. Like, at all. After a few days of this, the pain gets exponentially worse and worse until he's rolling around in bed crying because he can't sleep. So he goes to see Medical, who refer him to MGH. MGH isn't sure what's up, think maybe he has appendicitis or something. "No, seriously, I can't shit, that's all", he tried to tell them. They insist on performing some sort of medical test where they stick a tube of saline into his ass and a radioisotope into his stomach, and put him in an MRI machine to watch where the food gets stopped. They tell him that the tube of saline is often applied to a lot of old men who can't hold their bowels and not to be embarassed if he leaks shit out onto the table. So they put it in there, and him inside the machine, and sure enough, he becomes a nasty brown river while they tell him to hold still inside the machine. Then he feels a rumbling in his stomach, and all of a sudden bolts out of the MRI machine and runs into the nearest bathroom with the saline tube still up his ass. He fills the entire toilet to the brim, flushes, backs it up and then has to do it again. Anyway, the brief time he was in the MRI shows that his intestines were swollen to something like 3 times their natural size. Their hypothesis was that all of the Mac and Cheese made some sort of a		"This is a Pevner story. One semester, Pevner thought it would be really funny to live off of Mac and Cheese alone, so he does this faithfully for a month or two, eating nothing else. One day, he finds that he's really constipated and can't shit. Like, at all. After a few days of this, the pain gets exponentially worse and worse until he's rolling around in bed crying because he can't sleep. So he goes to see Medical, who refer him to MGH. MGH isn't sure what's up, think maybe he has appendicitis or something. "No, seriously, I can't shit, that's all", he tried to tell them. They insist on performing some sort of medical test where they stick a tube of saline into his ass and a radioisotope into his stomach, and put him in an MRI machine to watch where the food gets stopped. They tell him that the tube of saline is often applied to a lot of old men who can't hold their bowels and not to be embarassed if he leaks shit out onto the table. So they put it in there, and him inside the machine, and sure enough, he becomes a nasty brown river while they tell him to hold still inside the machine. Then he feels a rumbling in his stomach, and all of a sudden bolts out of the MRI machine and runs into the nearest bathroom with the saline tube still up his ass. He fills the entire toilet to the brim, flushes, backs it up and then has to do it again. Anyway, the brief time he was in the MRI shows that his intestines were swollen to something like 3 times their natural size. Their hypothesis was that all of the Mac and Cheese made some sort of a

Ubernerd: The long-awaited return of My Fearsome Craps

2007-09-25T13:37:00Z

The long-awaited return of My Fearsome Craps

@@ Line 60: / Line 60: @@
 Posted by --[[User:Ubernerd|Ubernerd]] 15:50, 18 April 2007 (EST) on behalf of Mog
 ===Q&A Section===
 * ''How do you handle constipation?''

Ubernerd: Guest Crap from Ubernerd's Brother

2007-04-18T20:50:12Z

Guest Crap from Ubernerd's Brother

@@ Line 44: / Line 44: @@
 Instead of unloading a beefy turd, my butt emitted a whinny! This is no mere metaphor, my friends, I kid you not - it was a real, true-to-life, honest-to-goodness Mr. Ed-style equestrian snort! The fart was then followed by an increase in the tickling sensation - at once it became rough, with a sense of urgency, and definitely more and more pointed. Frantic to be rid of the pressure, now digging like hooves against my tender loins, I birthed what seemed to be a rock with a single mighty push, leaving my asshole a painful trampled mess.
 Finally spent, I looked into the bowl to examine the products of my creation, only to find that the mythical beast had once more eluded the eyes of mankind, and I was left with naught but a single, perfect, straight, rock-hard brown horn - so even in shape and appearance that the toilet itself had trouble choking it down. --[[User:Ubernerd|Ubernerd]] 15:45, 12 February 2007 (EST)
 ===Q&A Section===
 * ''How do you handle constipation?''