Chadius: TOA Summary 10/16/06

Day before the Trade Show:

Checked MISTIC & DDC's old history.
Li trains how to cover people in the firing range. Diiman tries the various weapons.
Researches on DDC's employees:
- Dr. Vren was fired from the DDC ten years ago for experimenting on Fate Weavers. He tried to extract their fate-altering powers.
- Darco fired him at the peak of his experiment, right before he discovered the fate-altering organ.
- Worked on Pandemonium, a fate weaver of weather. Well-known among fate weavers.
Tara's First encounter with a fate weaver: Edrey. Likes to disco.

Day of the trade show:

Diiman talks to President Eltren; withholding his special product until the keynote address.
5 dudes are at the show, seem mysterious and want to set up stuff. Diiman's stalling them
Subs approach just as Darco is ready to bring Lorai in for the speech.

Li takes sniper bullet for Lorei.
Diiman shoots the suitcase from the goons.
Magus offers a free superweapon for Diiman. A three-piece flier suit.
Lily suspects Magus setting this up. Tara realizes he's evil.

Deen analyzes the invisible air target: A flying carpet!
Dii sinks one of the ships, and shoots up the carpet
Lily disables a sub.

Viveka throws the bomb on the sub, later captures a dude.
Dii KOs the sniper, grabs a flying carpet
Tara, Darco, Lorei, and Li head to a transport to HQ.

President Eltren goes to smash the other sub, Lily shuts it down from afar & warns him about the bomb Viveka threw on it.

Mission Report: Diiman

Objective: Protect Lorei
Status: Success
Summary: Edited for time (& to prevent the writer from going insane)

Yo! Diiman here.

We had a crazy awesome adventure today for TOA. There was this death threat on this cute little Drakk girl named Lorei. She is the daughter of Darco the head dude at the DDC. I like him, he makes all kinds of cool stuff and lets me use some his designs as props in movies. Like in Guns in Space where I used the rail gun to disable the bad guy's ship's rear right thruster which caused it to steer off course into their own fleet's support ships. Yeah that was awesome. And I also used the plasma... <snip> ... then she said, "that was the hairiest ass I've ever seen."

Anyway, we were supposed to protect the girl during the show because Darco was all like "I will not give in to these threats!" Yeah, that guy has balls. Lorei is small and cute, but she is not as cute as Ceelie. It's great when I give her little food and it is still bigger than her head. It is all like, "how is she going to eat that?" Then she munches on it until it disappears. I'm not really sure where it goes. I think that it would be much more difficult to find food that was bigger than Lorei's head. Would a Drakk girl even be able to eat that much at once? Hrm...

So Li had this great idea on how to protect Lorei. He'll use himself as a shield! How bad ass is that? They'll be all like, "We're going to kill you little girl." Then he'll be all like, "No!". Then BAM! And then "Hah, you did not harm her because I am awesome." It would be like that time in... <snip> ... then I said, "because there is no way that huge thing is going to fit in that little hole." But she made it fit somehow.

Yeah, so in order to practice blocking bullets, Li and I went down to the firing range in TOA headquarters. I grabbed a 9mm handgun while Li went and stood next to the targets. I started taking shots at the targets while Li tried to jump in front of the shots as I fired. It was awesome, the standard pistol rounds would bounce right off of his scales. I wonder how he is able to move around so easily with all that armoring. My body armor restricts my movements a bit, but something that heavy would be all like, "help I've gotten stuck in my own armor." Then the bad guys would all laugh at me. Seems like a bad idea. Note: never put that in a movie.

Oh and they have lots of neat weapons to practice with in the firing range. There was this awesome triple barrel shotgun that I was playing with. If you give the gun a good twist while shooting it, it causes this really cool spread pattern in the target. I also decided to play with their rocket launcher trainers. Unfortunately they don't explode, so it kind of made me sad after a while. Playing with those just isn't nearly as satisfying without the shattering kaboom. Explosions make everything awesomer. That time in Dial E for Explosion when we sabotaged the nuclear reactor on the evil Dr. Winklestein's volcanic island base was the awesomest. It was all like little boom, little boom, then lava, little boom, more lava, then the big fireball blew up the entire base, and then the volcano errupted spewing lava into the sea and the big ash cloud into the sky while we escaped on jet engine powered jetskis. Those jetskis were great. They don't turn all that well, but they really skip across the waves. You've really got to hold on tight or you'll fly right off. On the first take, I lost it on a 4 foot swell and hit the water doing about 70. I bruised my ribcage and dislocated my shoulder, but it was totally worth it to ride one of those things.

After a while Ceelie said that Tara had been doing some research on MISTIC and DDC. It was at that point that... she... brain... dump......

<thud>

Note from the supervisor: At this point in our meeting Diiman fell out of his chair. We sat him back in his chair but he just kind of stared at us blankly. After some encouragement to resume where he left off, Diiman suddenly ran to a drawer in the room and began rummaging through it. He then produced a pair of socks that he was wearing on his hands. The following was played out by Diiman using these "sock puppets." I somehow doubt that this is an accurate depiction.

Tara: Hey Lily, I'm doing some research on MISTIC. I think it might be useful to get some idea as to what was going on between them and DDC in the past.

Lily: Great idea. I will search on the computer.

Tara: And I will search through my local occult library.

Together: Together we are "Research Team Xtreme!"

Lily: It appears that MISTIC and DDC used to be fierce competitors in the past.

Tara: Yes, but now days they have gone into separate markets so that they are no longer in direct competition.

Lily: Oh look, I found this thing about an ex-DDC employee names Dr. Vren. It seems that he was fired for going against DDC ethics. He was... experimenting on Fate Weavers!

Tara: Oh no! Not that!

Lily: Yes! That!

Lily: It seems that he was trying to extract their fate altering powers.

Tara: I must find out more about this!

Tara: Excuse me my good friend and occult bookstore owner, Mark. I was wondering where you kept the... really bad books.

Mark: What kind of book would that be?

Tara: Dr. Vren.

Mark: Ah... back here.

Tara: OMG Pants! It seems that just before Dr. Vren was able to find the fate altering organ in his experiments with the Fate Weaver, Darco found out and fired him.

Tara: Hey Zii.

Zii: Hey Pokey. What's up?

Tara: Can I talk to a Fate Weaver here?

Zii: Yeah, of course. Edrey wouldn't mind talking to you. He's far out.

Tara: Great!

Edrey: Whoah.... welcome Tara. What can I do for you?

Tara: What do you know about Dr. Vren's experiment?

Edrey: Wouldn't you like to dance?

Tara: sure.

Edrey: It was terrible and bad. The Fate Weaver in the experiment was named Pandemonium. She was the weaver of weather. We all loved her dearly.

Note from the supervisor: Diiman began to dance around the room singing some ancient song from the 70's. We weren't sure how to get him to stop until Ceelie offered to shoot him in the ear with her little water gun. Amazingly enough it worked.

Ack! It's wet! How did I let her talk me into getting one of those. Oh, I was talking about the brain... dump...

Note from the supervisor: Sometime later we got Diiman to continue his report.

You didn't have to completely douse me. I'm soaked. The next day was the big day for us. The day of destiny. The day that we would doom our enemies to despair. It was D Day.

Things started off simple enough. I picked up the rest of team except Lily in my precious Black Tiger. I had her custom made for 2 Fast for Joo, but of course I made sure that I could hang on to her after the movie was done shooting. It's the awesomest car I've ever driven. In my movies since then I've always tried to sneak her into a scene or two. Getting her into Guns in Space was a little awkward, but if you watch... <snip> ... so I asked him, "How else was I supposed to get her out of all that lime jello? With my tongue?"

Anyway, I'm glad that BT can handle heavy loads because Li weighs way more than he looks especially when he's got that, uhh... G-Pod on. I replaced the back seat belts and buckles with much heavier material since last time he rode in her.

Lily rides her motorcycle instead of riding with us. I guess that she just likes to spend her time alone. That's too bad really, she's pretty hot. I like the way her riding gear fits over her... uh... so yeah, she has a pretty nice bike. I had a sport bike like that when I first started filming D Day. Unfortunately I wrecked it when I tried to clear a jump from the mall parking deck into the glass elevator. It went completely through both sides of the elevator, but I got thrown off and was left hanging from the elevator while the bike hit the mall floor two stories down. It totaled the bike, but I was originally supposed to use it in other scenes. Turns out that the producer thought that the shot was so dramatic, that they left it in the movie and fudged the script to compensate.

On the way to the trade show I tried hard to stay quiet. Everyone seems to think that I talk too much. I don't see what's wrong with that, I there are just too many awesome things to talk about and share. After a while of listening to the radio, I had to tell everyone else about the time that I took BT through an off road rally. There we were at the starting point, I revved... oh but, Ceely interrupted me before I could finish the story. She decided that she needed to make sure that my right ear was clean or something. For some reason everyone else started screaming something about watching where I was driving. I don't know what the problem is, it's not like I haven't driven with my feet while fighting someone trying to come in through the passenger window on the highway before.

Sometimes while I'm talking to Tara in the car she blushes. It is pretty obvious on her creamy white skin. I've invited her to come to one of my parties, but she hasn't accepted yet. She seems a bit shy, but I think she should meet some of my other friends. The other day she was wearing a really cute dress. It showed off her... umm... Yeah, so we made it to the trade show early so that we could be prepped and ready for people to start arriving. Everyone had jobs to do, and we would accomplish them or die trying.

While I was making preparations, President Eltren of MISTIC called me over to talk. I've bumped into him at a few of these shows before. He always has some amazing shit for these shows. I mean really amazing. He showed me the output numbers for some of his latest items. I hope to get a chance to try some of those out too. I based the WGX2000 in Live and Let Explode 7 off of one of his plasma cannons. He really loved that. It was hard to get it to reproduce the sound without... <snip> ... he had to ask, "Do you even know where that snake has been?" She just smiled and replied, "Well I know where it was last night."

Li and Tara went off to talk to Lorei. It turns out that she was going to give a speech at the opening ceremony of the trade show. They decided that they were going to stick close to Lorei for the duration of the show. Li was using his G-Pod to disguise himself. Even though the girl he was protecting was a Drakk, I think it made him stand out less. I wonder what she was going to say during the ceremony. I think it would have been so cute to have the little girl talking about the big military hardware.

"The BFG9000 can auto target and destroy inbound missile ordinance with a 85% success rate." <Ceelie pops out of Diiman's pocket and says this>

Heheh. That would have been great. So just before the opening ceremony, Ceelie informed me that Lily noticed someone carrying a suitcase through the crowd with a bomb in it. Well now, I couldn't let that go by now could I? Turns out there was group of these five dudes with one of them carrying the suitcase. I bumped into one of them and was all like, "Whoa dude, watch out." They were all like, "Uhh... Are you Diiman?" I went, "Do I stand out that much? I wanted to check out all the cool shit at the show. Are you guys showing something? That's a serious suitcase. Is that something for the show?" They all got nervous and started trying to dismiss all my questions. It's funny when bad guys get flustered. Hrm... I think I've heard Ceelie say that about me...

Suddenly Lily noticed that there were two unmanned submarines closing in on the big barge that the trade show was being held on top of. Just as they were surfacing, Tara then freaked out about imminent danger from the air. It was all happening in a rapid blur. When Tara freaked, Darco and Li realized that now was the time to act. Darco shouted, "Duck!" loudly, and Li jumped in front of Lorei and knelt protectingly over her just as the sniper bullet hit. Aww man... it was a really fricken nasty ass bullet to. It definitely would have killed poor little Lorei if she had been hit, but Li was totally fast enough to put himself in the way. The bullet drove straight through his scales and penetrated into his back. He fell to the ground next to Lorei after the impact. It was a sickening sight, but I knew that he would still be ok once Tara took care of him. I knew that I had to do something at this point, but what could I do against a pair of subs and an invisible sniper from with the light weaponry I was carrying?

The briefcase dudes tried to bolt saying something about being too late. They must have been supposed to have placed the suitcase somewhere by then. I couldn't let them have their job be that easy. They are bad guys after all. So pulled out Viper, my favorite hand gun. I shouted, "Hey you dropped your briefcase!" and fired at the handle of the briefcase. The hinge shattered and the case dropped from the handle, leaving the dudes scrambling to try and pick it up and carry it off in the commotion. They never even noticed that someone shot the case because Viper has this awesome silencer. I got it because I think it is sweet to be able to quick draw my gun, hit my target, and hide my gun again without anyone really knowing what just happened just like in Destructive Fist of the Western Nebula when I shot the water sprinklers at the ribbon cutting for the new skyscraper at which the bad guys were going to take the participants hostage... <snip> ... she grabbed a cheese stick and waved it at him saying, "I'll molest you with a cheese stick!"

Anyway, I quickly surveyed the surrounding area to check what weapons on the show floor might be useful. Unfortunately most of them were not prepared for combat and didn't even have their ammo available on deck. I was starting to think that I was going to have to swim out to the subs and fight mano-a-subo. Maybe see if I could sneak some grenades into some sensitive places. But before I could decide on which awesome course of action to take. Mr. Eltren called me over to him. He made it seem rather important, and then I remembered that he had a weapon that he said he brought to announce at the opening ceremonies.

So I ran over to him dodging around screaming and fleeing people. The submarines were now shooting their gatling guns into the crowd. A huge bolt of ice flew by and hit the stage. Fortunately Darco, Tara, Li, and Lorei had already escaped down an emergency hatch on the stage. A large chunk of the stage was covered in ice. I was all like "Shit, they've got submarines with big guns, and magi-tech weapons. Where's our heavy stuff?"

Mr. Eltren pulled me behind the stage curtain. There was this mannequin standing there wearing this wild outfit. It was like a helmet and a pair of gauntlets wired together with tubes. Mr. E said, "Here. Put these on." I pulled the stuff off the mannequin and put it on as quickly as I could. It was slightly awkward with all the tubing running between the parts. I had no idea what this thing could be for. "Think about flying." I wasn't really sure what flying was supposed to feel like, so I asked Ceelie, "What does flying feel like?" Suddenly I felt myself lifting off the ground and sailing into the air. "Whoa! This is awesome." Mr. E shouted out one last thing as I was flying out over the curtain, "You've only got three LAWs!"

"LAWs? LAWs? I've got rockets!" Suddenly, a rocket materialized on my right gauntlet. "Sweet..." I was flying though the air ready to unleash my righteous fury upon those who would dare harm poor little Lorei. "It's D Day!" I lined up my shot with the rocket on the first sub's missile silo. I figured I could get some nice secondary damage off the explosives in the sub's missiles. I let the rocket fly, and it zoomed off towards its target. It flew straight down the sub's shaft and exploded in a big fireball. It was all "KaBoom!" and stuff.

Well that really pissed off the bad guys. Suddenly both subs were shooting at me with their gatling guns. I tried evade their fire, but a few of their shots got me in arm and shoulder. That's why I wear body armor. Really helps to keep all my limbs attached. Just how much would it suck to have all those bullets ripping through my unprotected flesh, puncturing my vital organs, and causing me to bleed all over the place?

A few other bullets wizzed by me from somewhere. Suddenly there was a ball of ice headed right for me. I dove to the side, but it struck my leg and chilled my whole body. There was a layer of frost all over my suit. Ceelie screamed and jumped out of my pocket. I forgot that she was still there. It wasn't a problem with the bullets because she was so small, but that ice blast covered everything. She started gliding away into the distance while I continued fighting. Stay safe Ceelie!

I lined up another shot on the first sub and sent it straight into the gatling gun. "Boom! Bye Bye Mr. Sub." With the first sub going down in flames, I realized that with only one shot left, I probably wouldn't be able to sink the other sub. Just then, there was a bright flash in the air on the other side of the river. There was a rain of sparkling lights. Holy Shit! There were three guys standing on a flying carpet! I've never seen one of those before. I guess they make a slightly more stable sniping platform than helicopters. A lot quieter too. It seems that Deen managed to detect these guys even thought they were invisible and dispelled their magic. He certainly made himself pretty useful, didn't he?

With one of the subs out of commission, there was less gun fire for me to worry about, but I still ended up with a few more bullet holes in my jacket. Looks like I'll need another patch job. Fred over at the Bad Ass Leather R Us Emporium gives me discounts since I have to bring my jackets in for work so frequently. I also order the leathers for my movies from him. That's why they're in the credits on Live and Let Explode 7, 2 Fast Too, ... <snip> ... that's when he told me, "If you don't use enough lube on your piston, the heat build up is going to cause it to go off prematurely." I found it to be pretty useful advice.

Anyway, Viveka hucked the bomb suitcase that the dudes tried to plant on to the remaining sub. I considered targeting it when I fired my last rocket at the sub, but I decided it would be safest to ensure that it didn't have a chance to fire any of its missiles. I planted my final shot right into a silo. I was quite satisfied with the resulting light and sound show. With my heavy weapons depleted, I turned towards the carpet snipers, ready to shower them with my own mad rain of bullets. I pulled out my Wild Boar, the assault rifle with a thirst for vengeance. Their shots flew by me as I flew in for a nice clean shot.

I fired a spray of bullets at the two guys on the front of the carpet. I made sure to use that trick which I used in Big Shiny Guns 3 where I fire one set of rounds to get my target to evade into the full damage spray. They totally fell for it. They were all like "Shit! He's shooting at us. Take cover! Oh no, there are bullets headed over here too! Ack Ack Ack!" They made an absolutely pathetic attempt at retaliating, but they were just too shaken by my awesome gun handling skills. My Wild Board turned them into swiss cheese. Heheh... full of holes.

The last guy tried to bolt by flying the carpet away, but Mr. Eltren's suit was plenty fast enough to let me chase them down and take them out. The guy was ready to piss his pants when he realized Diiman was here to take him down. Aww... Yeah... All the bad guys were rounded up and ready to toss into the slammer. Mission Complete. <Thumbs Up>

I hauled the carpet with the sniper dudes on it back to the trade show barge. I figured it was time to give the awesome suit back to Mr. Eltren, but I sure wish I didn't have to. Flying around like that was so sweet. And the rockets! Man. Boom! Boom! Hahah! You sunk my battle ship! I mean submarine!

I found Viveka on the barge holding onto one of the bomb dudes. He was drooling and all like "Durrrr..." I wonder what caused him to be like that? He was covered in claw marks, but he didn't seem that beat up. Weird. Maybe I should ask Viveka about that. Hmm... maybe not.

That was our adventure of awesome awesomness to the absolute extreme. I wonder if our next job will be as awesomely awesome. I need to find some rockets...

Chadius: TOA Summary 10/16/06

Mission Report: Diiman

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