Arschwein Beta Version

This recipe is the first (of probably many) attempt(s) in my quest to create a sweet libation named in honor of the even sweeter man who introduced me to a whole new world of German vocabulary by taking my hand, staring deeply into my eyes, and teaching me how to say the word "ass". And look how far I've come: "Mein Gott, mein Mitarbeiten sind hasslich!"

Ingredients:

4 lbs clover honey

1 gallon H2O

2 1-oz. bottles pure almond extract

1 package wine yeast (suited for 1 to 5 gallons)

1 tsp Fermax yeast nutrient

Tools:

1 gallon hill-folk jug

1 "Terlet-pipe-shaped" gas trap and associated rubber stopper*

1 pot capable of holding at least 1 gallon of liquid

1 long-handled spoon (capable of reaching the bottom of aforementioned pot)

1 auto-siphon

1 bottle food grade iodine and a big sink for sterilization

Crack the seals on the bottles of pure almond extract 3 days before intended use to let the carrier alcohol evaporate off, leaving behind a more concentrated solution of bitter almond oil.

Before starting anything, sterilize the shit out of all the items listed in the "tools" section with the food-grade iodine using the appropriate concentration as directed on the bottle (2 to 3 drops per gallon of water is usually sufficient). Be sure to rinse thoroughly and let everything air-dry completely.

In the pot, bring 1 gallon of water to boil, covered. When the water is boiling, turn the heat down to medium-high and slowly add in the 4 lbs of honey, stirring to ensure nothing gets stuck on the bottom and everything gets absorbed. Scum is going to form on the top of the honey-water mixture. Skim it off with the spoon. Continue simmering and skimming for about half an hour, at which point turn the heat off and let the pot of liquid come to room temperature (covered). Once the mixture has come to room temperature, stir in two bottles of almond extract. Siphon the mixture into hillbilly jug (being careful not to shoot any onto the floor or a nosey little cat that might be investigating the setup). Add 1 packet of yeast, 1 tsp of yeast nutrient. Fill the gas trap with water as directed. Apply the cork and gas trap and give the jug a good swirl before putting it away somewhere dark, room-temp, and undisturbed. Rack after 3 weeks. Rack it again after 3 more weeks and see how much more bubbling remains. When the bubbles die down, bottle.

I'll let you know how it goes.

• Important recipe note: Make sure the stopper is the appropriate size for your hillbilly jug. Otherwise, your boyfriend might accidentally push the cork all the way into the jug full of mead while trying to "help" with balancing the pressure differential on your gas trap, causing you to have to re-situate the whole damn thing into another jug.

Edit: After racking it the first time and splashing a little on myself (and using this as an excuse to lick 'n taste), I was disappointed to find that there was no discernible almond flavor left from the almond extract. I should have used pure almond oil for flavoring (tried to find it, couldn't, and got lazy so I opted for almond extract instead). At Matthew's suggestion, I crushed up 1/2 cup of whole almonds, put them in a mesh sack, and added them to the mead to attempt to improve on the almond flavor.

Edit again: Oh holy shit - I just took a whiff of what was coming out of the gas trap, and I think I unintentionally made "honey-almond moonshine." The yeast-bubbling has sped up rapidly since the addition of the almonds and there is as much sediment at the bottom of the carboy as there was after the initial 3 weeks of fermentation. I guess it's only fitting that since I called it a "hill-folk jug" I ended up with moonshine instead of mead. Further bulletins as events warrant.