Chadius: TOA Summary 4/9/07

• Recon the HORO cell. Encampment, 20 members.
  • Lily disables their computers
  • Diiman snipes
  • Viveka chloroforms one of the guards, take his form. Confuses the guards.
  • OMG MISTIC is supplying them? Lily takes a look at the documents. No name of supplier, but MISTIC.
  • Ceelie confuses some, they think there's an Other!

• Everyone has surrendered, or is KOed.
  • MISTIC contact: A location?
  • TOA cleanup crew arrives.

Mission Report: Diiman

Objective

Disable known HORO cell.

Status

Success

Summary

Waiting for the mission report manager to get his drink...

"Diiman. You're on."

You're ready?

"Yes."

Are you sure?

"Yes. Just go."

I just wanted to make sure, because you said that I had to make absolutely sure that I stayed on topic during this report, and that you didn't want me to already be yacking about this or that when the recording was started. I'll be sure to help you win that bet about being able to keep me from rambling...

"Diiman, you're already rambling. Damn, there goes 100 bucks. So much for 20 to 1 odds. It should have been 100 to 1 anyway."

Oh. Sorry, man.

"Doesn't matter anymore. Just get this over with."

Remember kids, gambling is not cool. It can lead to losing your money and sometime to involvement with drugs just like in The Underside of Utah. The underside strives to get you addicted to throwing away your money for the slim hope that you will achieve your grand goal of higher returns. But even then, they are just using your wasted-away savings as seed for their even darker purpose of running cocaine, speed, and the dreaded blue haze. Addiction leads to addiction as you spiral out of control into The Dark Underside of Utah!

"Diiman, stop quoting trailers. Everyone's going to see it already."

But, it's awesome! Anyway, you're the one making bets. Just don't do drugs. Drugs are really bad.

"Gah! That's it. Bob, you take over. I'm getting another drink."

"But, sir! Great. uhm... Diiman? Could you uh, describe the mission concerning your attack on the HORO cell?"

Well, of course! I'll be happy to. It all started on a dark and stormy night. Well, actually it was a day with a lovely blue sky, but that doesn't sound as awesome. We had discovered the location of the enemy encampment after much incredible investigation by our team of extreme researchers. We decided to stealthily slip up to the encampment and teach those Humans Offended by Ridiculous Odors punks a lesson in pain!

<Background laughter>

"That's Human Organization for the Removal of Others, Diiman."

Yeah, whatever. They're just a big pile of steaming poop no matter what their name means. "Look at me. We're just a bunch of poor guys who feel threatened by anything that we feel is different from the norm. We will now go and annihilate everything that doesn't conform to our ideals." You know who else acted that way? Hmm? Hitler. Him and stupid Nazicans in that Grande Guerre Globale...

So we snooped around outside their camp. There were like 30... No. There were no more than 20 of them. We all decided to take up points around the camp for launching our supremely stunning surprise sneak-snipe-smack attack. I found this awesome sniping tree that looked out over the camp. I climbed up into its branches, pulled out the Black Widow, and settled her into position in the tree. Viveka positioned herself in the woods just outside the camp, Tara circled around the camp to get another attack vector in place, Lily started doing that extreme electronics mucker uppering thing that.. err... I don't really know what it is... and Li stayed back from the woods to be on standby for when things exploded. Well, exploded in the not really exploding but like people running around screaming like bunnies with plungers.

"I believe the word you wanted was figuratively. He was on standby for when things exploded figuratively as opposed to literally."

Well he was on standby for when things were supposed to happen, not for when the explosion occurred. That was later. Stupid armor made Jack useless. If Li were to wait around for the explosion then I would have been anti snipe sniped by the flying dude. I'm not really sure if Jack exploding was figurative...avivily or literarily.

"Never mind. So what's after the plungers?"

Yeah. So there we were, all placed in our strategic positions. Ceelie's job was to convince one of the HORO dudes on guard duty to make him think that he really wanted to pee. You know: Niagra Falls, fire hoses, champagne bottles, waves, sitting through really long movies... you know, the ones that go on and on after you've already drank a large coke... I hope that you don't do that during my movies cause you know that you'll miss one of my awesome moves.

So the guy runs off into the woods to unleash his yellow fury upon the unsuspecting underbrush just outside the camp. Viveka snuck up on him and unleashed a surprise of her own, Chloroform! Bam! Dude drops like a sack of spuds being hucked off a speeding spud truck that just had its front tire shot out like the one in Psychobilly Explosion. Yeah, so Viveka grabs the guy and like takes his form somehow. It's like an amazingly awesome disguise so that everyone will think that she is that guy. I know a few makeup artists who can do that but not so quickly and not on themselves. I wonder if Viveka does makeup really well? Or maybe its like magic makeup?

So the guard formerly known as Viveka waltzed into the tent with the enemy leaders. She managed to weasel some information out of them on what was going down before they became suspicious of her... uh, him? Since Viveka had started feeling the heat of being under the critical eye of a hostile audience, I decided that it was time to shift focus to somewhere else. Ceelie kindly pointed out that one of the guys wandering around outside the tents was in fact leader dude number 3. Leader dudes 1 and 2 were inside the tent talking to Viveka in disguise. I drew a nice IR bead on the back of leader dude 3's head. Nice and slowly I squeezed the Black Widow's trigger. The bullet whizzed through the air and soundlessly struck its target in the neck. The leader screamed, dove into a tent, and started shouting, "Sniper!" Suddenly the camp was alive with dudes scrambling to try and figure out what is going on.

I was all like, "BAM! BAM! ... BAM!" HORO dudes were all running around in panic as I carefully picked them off one by one. Viveka grabbed one of the leader dudes and took him down. Another guy pointed me out from a distance after having doing some magic stuff. The other leader dude flew up into the air and started casting these ice bolt thingies at me. Bum da da dum! Li Away! Li flew up after the flying antisniper sniper and started to beat on him. "BAM! WHACK!" Then many of the dudes started to run off into the woods. I switched to my WIld Boar and started spraying them down with ammunition, hitting them in their joints where their armor didn't cover. Many of them crashed to the ground. A brilliant beam of light shot out of the woods and took down another of the dudes. I heard from Ceelie that it was Tara doing that. I didn't know she could do that. It looked like some kind of cross between a laser and a holy power. Maybe it was like "Holy Laser!" or "White Laser Beam of Justice!" or uhh...

"Back to the HORO Cell Diiman."

But LASER! ... And I don't mean Butt! That would be hilarious but gross. "BUTT LASER!" bsaaah! Fear the power of the Methane Based Laser of Dread!

"Please Stop! ... Please?"

Fine fine. So bunch of the dudes ran through the forest and surrounded my tree. I tossed Jack down at them, but his explosion didn't really phase them due to their body armor. I decided that the only way to deal with this was to empty the rest of WIld Boar's rounds into them. "Enh Enh Enh Enh Enh!" They started dropping on all sides, but they kept on firing at me in the tree. I flipped around in the branches taking cover from the shots while continuing to rain lead hail upon them. It was just like that scene in Big Shiny Guns 2 where I had to stop the terrorist from taking control of the building, but I was dangling in the scaffolding outside after having jumped off the roof to avoid the exploding helicopter. Squirming through the jungle gym of pipes and planks while dodging the sprays of bullets and shooting them down as they approached the rear entry way.

"Yes. Ok Diiman. You fight 'awesomely' just like in your movies."

And then, "Click Click." Out of Ammo! There was one dude left standing a the bottom of the tree taking aim at me. I quick drew the Screaming Weasel, shot the gun out of his and planted another shot right in the middle of his forehead. The guy stood there and blinked at me. "I just got disarmed by Diiman! And it was a rubber band! That was so awesome! Oh and by the way, I surrender."

"Screaming Weasel?"

Yeah, it's my rubber band gun. See?

"Oww! Oww! Stop that, you didn't need to illustrate!"

Hahahaha! I love this thing. The kids love it too!

"You disarmed him with a rubber band gun?"

Yeah, I could have reloaded, but it was much easier to just pull this thing out. Besides everyone says its awesome when I get someone to surrender with it. Heck, they guy seemed to enjoy it too. Yeah, so all the HORO dudes were taken care of at that point. Li had caught the guy he was fighting with in the air after he had managed to knock him out. Ceelie had evidently been confusing the heck out of the dudes running around causing them to think they were seeing Others all over the place. Well more than we had there already. Lilly dug through all the computer records, and we called in a clean up crew.

Mission Objective completed! We P0wnz0r3d!