Ceelie's Memories

Ceelie has a few memories of Helen's life, usually times of particular emotion or significance. They are oddly clear in Ceelie's mind, but more as though the things that happened to Helen had actually happened to her, or as though she were watching from the corner of the room. She doesn't remember them from her own part in them as much as she remembers feeling what Helen felt.

The Gift

Helen squealed with delight and surprise when her mom came back through the door carrying a cake, adorned with four swirling blue candles topped with dancing flames. Her mom waved her hand and everyone started singing Happy Birthday.

"I know you had a party with your friends and cupcakes at nursery school, but the family wanted to celebrate too," her mom said, when they were done singing.

"Oh, poor baby has to have two birthday cakes! That's terrible!" Grandpa Calvin winked at Helen from across the table, and she dissolved into giggles.

"Shush, you!" Aunt Glenda tsked at Grandpa Calvin. "You'd spoil her rotten if you got half a chance."

"Isn't that what grandfathers are for? I seem to remember you having no shortage of birthday cakes as a kid. Go on, Helen, make a wish and blow out the candles!"

Helen closed her eyes and clasped her hands under her chin for a moment. The she took a deep breath and blew out all four candles in one breath. Everyone clapped, and Helen's mom started passing out slices of cake. After everyone had finished talking and joking and eating their cake, they moved in to the sitting room, where a little pile of bright ribbon-tied birthday presents was waiting. Helen ran over, eyes twinkling, and pulled one off the pile. Her mom took notes while she opened up box after box -- a cute little red dress, a matching hat and mittens set, a book of fairy tales, a jigsaw puzzle. After she opened each gift, she brought it up to the gift giver and gave them a big hug. After the last one she gave her mom a big hug too. Then she made a funny little face, and whirled around.

"Grandpa Calvie! Where did you hide it?" she demanded.

Grandpa Calvin just cackled. Aunt Glenda gave him a long, steady stare until he stopped cackling and cleared his throat.

"I did bring you a present, little Nelenel. And brilliant as you always are, you've judged the situation just perfectly. I promise you it is somewhere in this house. If you can't find it, you just come on back to me and I'll give you a hint, okay sweetie?" He smiled.

Helen glared at him with her hands on her hips for a few seconds, then she just broke out giggling again, and ran over to give him a big hug and a kiss before she scampered off.

"You always have to trump everyone, don't you, dad?" Helen's mom said.

He winked. "It's not always about the gift itself. Sometimes the fun is in the giving."

"I'm never sure whether you're a wise old man, or just being a wise guy." Helen's mom smiled. "But, it does make her very happy."

Helen came running triumphantly back into the room carrying a silver-wrapped package. "Bathtub!"

Her mom ruffled her hair absentmindedly. "What did we say about sentences, sweetie?"

Helen made a pouty face and said, "He hid it in the bathtub. It was funnier when I said it the first time." Everyone laughed, but Helen was already busy ripping open the wrapping paper. Her eyes widened as she tore the box open and pulled out an adorable pixie doll with bright blue hair and eyes, and shiny blue butterfly wings. She squeezed the doll in a big hug, and then ran over to her grandpa and climbed into his lap. Helen looked up at him with big wide eyes and said "She says hello!"

"Well be sure to tell her I said hello back. Does she have a name yet?"

Helen squeezed the doll, barely pausing for a heartbeat, and said, "Cerulean!"

"Where does that child get such an imagination? Most little girls name their dolls things like 'Sally' or 'Hannah' and not made up names." Aunt Glenda shook her head.

Helen looked up at her aunt. "It's not a made up name, it's a kind of blue. It was my word last week."

Her mom came over and kissed her on top of her head. "I'm so proud of you for remembering your words, sweetie. You're so smart."

Grandpa Calvin smiled. "I think she has a beautiful name. So, Cerulean, do you have a nickname you go by? I'm sure Miss Nelenel would love it if you did."

Helen smiled. "She said you can call her Ceelie. But just you and me." Helen was quiet for a moment. "Grandpa Calvie? Is it okay if she calls me Nelenel too?"

Grandpa Calvin eyed the doll for a moment, then smiled and gave it a little kiss. "I think that would be just fine. She can call me Grandpa Calvie too, and then we're all even!" They laughed together.

Kindergarten

"What do you think it will be like, Ceelie? Mommy says there will be a lot of girls and boys my age, and a lot who are older too. More than there were at nursery school." Helen squeezed her doll and sighed a little. "Some of the girls at nursery school didn't like me, Ceelie. They said my big words were stupid. Are they going to call me stupid in kindergarten too?"

"Helen, it's almost time to go! Come downstairs and get your lunch!"

"Okay, mommy!" Helen called back down the stairs. She jumped up and grabbed her little blue backpack, tucking the doll carefully into the front pouch. She ran downstairs and picked up her lunch off the counter.

"Are you excited about going to school, sweetie?" her mom asked.

"I'm nervous, mommy. What do I do if they don't like me?" Helen bit her lip and hugged her mom's leg.

"We talked about this all last week sweetie. I'm sure as long as you're nice to them, you'll be fine." Her mom ruffled her hair, and kissed her on the forehead. "Now, let's go out and meet the bus." She took Helen's hand, and walked up to the corner with her. The bus was almost empty when it arrived, and Helen picked the front seat. She zipped her backpack open just a little.

"This isn't so bad, is it, Ceelie? It's actually fun riding the school bus." After a few stops, the bus began to fill up, and another girl asked to sit with Helen. She looked up, a little suprised.

"Oh, sure," Helen said. She squished over to make room, and put her backpack on her lap. After a minute, she asked, "Are you going to kindergarten too?"

"Yeah." The girl had shoulder-length blond hair and hazel eyes. "I'm in Miss Green's class."

"Oh, me too! I'm Helen. What's your name?"

"Claire." She looked over at Helen, and saw the doll sticking out the open top of her backpack. "You have a really cute doll," she said.

"Does she have a name?"

"Yes, It's Ce--Ceelie." Helen smiled. "She goes everywhere with me."

Claire zipped open the side of her backpack, revealing a little purple teddy bear. "I call him Bozzie. I was hoping I wouldn't be the only one who brought a friend." Helen smiled and gave Bozzie a little pat on the head. They were quiet for a minute.

"Claire?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you want to walk in to the classroom together, so it's a little less scary?"

"Yeah."

Helen smiled and hugged her backpack.

Grandpa Calvie

Helen pulled on her other sock, and swept Ceelie up off the pillow in a grand gesture, dancing her across the room to the door. "C'mon Ceelie, it's time for breakfast! We already slept all morning and I have serious Saturday playing to do, now that I go to school all week!" Helen scampered up the hall and down the stairs. When she got to the kitchen, she could smell breakfasty things, but her mom was just sitting at the table. Helen walked over and climbed into her chair, sitting Ceelie down in her lap.

"Is it breakfast time yet mommy? Mommy?" Helen looked startled as her mom suddenly drew her chair over and pulled Helen into a big hug.

"Are you crying mommy? What's wrong?"

"Oh, sweetie. It's your Grandpa Calvie." Her mom's voice was soft and sad. "He's...very sick."

"He was okay on Wednesday, he came to play with me like he always does on Wednesdays. Will he be better by next week so we can play again? He's the only other person who talks to Ceelie with me. I had that awful flu and it took me a week to get better. Maybe we can make him some chicken soup." Helen smiled, hugging the doll and snuggling her mom. "You make the best chicken soup, mom."

Her mom started sobbing. "I'm sorry, sweetie, I know how much you loved him. But I'm afraid chicken soup won't be enough to make him better."

Helen's eyes widened a little and she started to panic a bit. "What do you mean by 'loved him' mommy? I'll always love Grandpa Calvie!"

Her mom hugged her a little tighter. "Grandpa Calvin has been sick for a long time, and he's gone to Heaven now sweetie. You remember when we talked about Heaven?"

"But..." Helen's eyes filled with tears. "So he can't come play with me any more?"

"I'm so sorry baby. No, we can't see him any more, but we'll always remember him and we'll always have him in our hearts, won't we sweetie?"

"He -- he's gone? Just like that?" Helen squeezed her doll tighter. "It's not fair, mommy! I want Grandpa Calvie to come back! I didn't even get to say good bye and he's just gone?" The tears rolled down Helen's face, dripping onto her doll's brilliant blue hair.

"I'm sure he'll hear you if you say good-bye sweetie. He loved you so very dearly. You know anything is possible if you hope and wish and try hard enough," her mom whispered.

Helen leaned against her mom's shoulder, and cuddled her doll against her cheek. "Say good-bye with me, Ceelie. You have to think it really hard, so Grandpa Calvie can hear you, okay? He was the only other person who could hear you. I'm sure he wants you to say good-bye too." Helen closed her eyes. "Good-bye Grandpa Calvie. We both love you grandpa. Don't ever forget your little Nelenel and her Ceelie."

Kay

Helen bounced off the bus and up the front walkway to where her mom was waiting at the screen door.

"How was school, sweetie?"

"Good!" Helen gave her mom a big hug and then scampered into the kitchen. Her mom already had a snack waiting for her. She paused to fish her doll out of her backpack before dropping it on the ground next to her chair.

"We learned more reading today. But they were all words I already knew. And I played hopscotch with Claire and Elaine at recess, but I skinned my knee, and I traded my cookie for Elaine's pudding and then I drew butterflies at art time." She dug in to her snack and talked around bites of cut veggies and crackers and dip.

Her mom chuckled and stole a carrot stick. "I hope you went to the nurse and got a band-aid for your knee."

"Mmm hmm." Helen nodded and took a big drink of milk. "Ceelie came with me and held my hand when she cleaned it." Helen made a face.

"Well that was very nice of her. It doesn't sound like a good day so far though. What else happened that made it a good day?"

"And we had music time in our after-school hour so we got to sing, and that was fun. And there's a new kid in our class who just started today. His name is Kieran but he goes by Kay and he just moved here all the way from Ireland. He talks funny but he reads like me."

"It's called an accent sweetie. People from different countries and even different parts of this country pronounce the same word differently. It's called having an accent," her mom explained.

"Well I guess he has an Ireland accent then."

"Irish accent."

"Irish accent," Helen repeated. "He's got red hair and blue eyes and a lot of freckles all over his nose, he likes art and reading like me and he loves telling stories!"

"Wow, you sure seem to've learned a lot about him in one day, sweetie."

Helen's cheeks started taking on a rosy, pink glow, as she kept munching and talking. "He learned more reading in pre-school than we all did, except you taught me at home, so it was fun to talk to someone else smart who didn't think my words were stupid."

"And here I thought boys were supposed to have cooties at your age." Helen's mom grinned.

Helen scrunched up her nose. "The rest of the boys are gross, but he's nice and not icky and every time he smiles it makes me smile and Ceelie already likes him too."

Helen's mom ruffled her hair. "I guess it was just about time for you to develop a crush on someone." She kissed Helen on the top of her head. "You are positively the most adorable thing in the world, sweetie."

Good-bye, Nelenel

"Okay, where did you hide this time, Ceelie?" Helen rummaged through her backpack, as the plane climbed higher into the air.

"Sweetie, look at the tiny houses!" Her mom pointed out the window. Helen glanced, and smiled, and then went back to digging in her bag.

"There aren't that many places to hide, Ceelie. Come on and look out the window with me." Helen frowned. A moment later, she thrust the bag at her mom. "Mommy, Ceelie's hiding from me. Make her stop!"

Helen's mother took the bag and started looking through it, while Helen kept going back and forth between staring out the window and peering into her mom's lap.

"Sweetie, are you sure you put her in your backpack? I can't find her in here."

"I always put her in my backpack."

"You're certain you didn't put her in the suitcase?"

"Of course not, she'd suffocate in all the clothes! She has to be in my backpack!" Helen tugged the bag back over to her and dug into it again, spreading stuff all over their row of seats. The deeper she burrowed into the bag, the more frantic she became.

"Sweetie..."

Helen looked up at her mom, teary-eyed. "She's really not here."

"We'll look in the suitcase when we get home, sweetie." Her mom put an arm around her.

Helen started crying. "She's not there, mommy, I can tell. She's all alone. She's all alone, mommy, and she's scared without me." Helen closed her eyes and curled up in her seat, hugging the little airline pillow. "It's okay, Ceelie, you're a smart girl and you'll find your way. I love you. Think about your Nelenel sometimes, okay? I'll always remember you, Ceelie."

It was dim, but snuggly and soft. There was a faint glow, like the sun trying to shine through an overcast sky. I was so tired, I wanted to just burrow and snooze, and then I heard Nelenel calling my name. It made me feel all warm, like how she always told me it was when her mommy hugged her. I'd never felt warm before. I jolted upright, shocked. I'd never sat up before! I struggled for a moment, managing to crawl out from under the covers, and fell off the bed. I looked around for her, but I couldn't see anyone at all, and it was terribly quiet. I could still hear her though, and I could almost feel her squeezing me. I was crying, but it made me smile anyway. When Nelenel's voice faded, I climbed over to the window and looked out. I didn't know where I was, but I knew I would find her again some day.