Interview With A Satyr:Showdown

Well, Gwen, things have gotten pretty complicated lately, haven't they? You and your friends had quite an involvement in the recent war. Did you know you'd be so involved with the fight against the Destroyer?

Well, actually, we did know ahead of time because we had to be part of the banishing ritual. Mistress Elly particulary did a lot of research beforehand. She's really very smart, you know, even though she's still young. Especially since she got even smarter when we had our wishes granted by the pantheon, and Aremis helps her a lot too, since he's also really smart. There's so much smart going around, I feel a little left out sometimes, but I know everyone is good at different things, so it's okay. She spent tons of time in libraries and spoke with the capitol city's archmage upstairs in the top of the mage tower, to understand what people have tried in the past when the Destroyer has been raised, since it happens every 2000 years or so, and then once she knew what we needed, we all went out and started recruiting people and stuff. Like we found the priestess to help with the second ritual, 'cause Elly found out we had to do two rituals and all, and we also went to the hall of the dwarves to get a dwarf to help with the first ritual, and we had to talk to the Empress about being part of the second one and everything. Our whole team was very active in the lead-up to this fight. Actually, we were warned early on that each of us who received a wish from the pantheon when we defeated Squidzilla would be called upon to serve in the battle with the Destroyer.

You've been to the hall of the dwarves? What was that like?

Well, it was pretty interesting. We had a little trouble getting there...some kind of nasty creature was lurking outside, and I don't remember what everyone called it, but it was sort of a cross between a basalisk and a dragon or something? It was a pretty bad fight, but we made it through. Then we had trouble getting in, but once we finally got inside and could talk to the dwarves, it all went a lot better. There was a little incident with Nachta teaching Elly some drow drinking songs, and Stylus made a faux pas, okay maybe a few, while he was trying to learn a little bit of the dwarven lanugage. Anything that's not about gold is about beer, I swear, it seems like it must be very difficult to carry on a normal conversation. I couldn't even see the different between most of their different golds, and that's coming from someone with jeweler training! I guess you have to be a miner to understand. It was cute watching him learn though. But anyway, we were able to talk to the dwarves, while the dragons went to talk to the elves, and they agreed to appoint a dwarf to participate in the ritual, and also sent some fighters and heros to fight alongside the army in the final battle.

Speaking of the final battle, how did you personally prepare for that kind of confrontation?

I did some very good shopping!

Did you say...shopping?

Yes I did. It's very important when you are going into a difficult situation to plan ahead, which means knowing everything you can about the challenges you will face, and finding every possible way to swing the odds in your favor. All the smart people did such great research that we knew what abilities Squidface would have that I knew exactly what I was looking for and shopped all over the city until I could find just the right things for all of us. I'm not book-smart like Elly or Shathur, but I know my friends and how they stand up in a fight, and what knocks them down. So I knew exactly what everyone needed to make this battle a victory. It can be a real life-saving measure to have the right protections, which may seem silly when the plan was to have everyone die anyway, but that's just because the ritual was guaranteed to kill them--

Wait, the ritual killed all of them? The burial ground was only prepared for three.

Well, yeah, the other ones we knew we'd be able to have raised, assuming there was anyone left to pray for them. It's not fun, believe me, I've been dead and raised before and it really does take a little life out of you. Hee hee I guess that's sort of silly, of course dying take some life out of you! But, I guess I've learned that there is dying and then there's really dying, and if you die bad enough, sometimes it takes a lot more to bring you back. We knew we wouldn't be able to bring back Asterix, Shathur or the Empress when we went down there for the fight, and they were all three brave enough to go anyway and do their part. I didn't really understand the details about it, but the ritual was supposed to shatter the soul and being of the Destroyer into tiny pieces that would scatter like confetti over all the different worlds and planes of existance, and their souls would be scattered or consumed at the same time. It sounded terribly scary. I mean, having been through it once, I'm not exactly afraid to die again, of course it's sad to think about it and sometimes I am afraid of letting down the people I care about, but there's something deeply frightening and disturbing about being just snuffed out like that, or broken up and sent out to a million different worlds.

But...they did come back. How did that happen?

Shathur asked me that too, and I couldn't really answer. In fact, no one has really been able to explain that just yet. But the big mommy dragon told me I could do it, so I guess maybe I did. I really didn't know how I could've, and I don't know why she said that, but when they were really going to put them in that little stone prison for ever and ever, I was so sad I wanted them not to have to go away. It's not fair for them to work so hard to save everyone and everything in the whole world and then be stuck sealed up like that and never come back. I've never wished so very hard for anything in my life, and I can't imagine I ever will again. Maybe it's really true that wishing hard enough can call a miracle more powerful than a high priest's prayers.

Well, it was a lucky thing you were there for them. Everyone should be so lucky to have friends like you. What do you think would've happened if you had been in the ritual instead?

Oh, it was really specific who had to be in it, and I wouldn't really have fit in for any of the spaces. That's why I was fighting Squidface instead, 'cause we had to make sure he didn't kill any of the really important people before we could beat him unconscious to do the ritual. I mean, if I had been told it was my part, I would have done whatever I needed to do, just like my friends did. But instead, my part was to fight, and I certainly have plenty of experience doing that now that we've been out on so many adventures. Like I said, everyone is good at different things, and it turned out I was pretty good at what they needed me to do.

You fought the Destroyer yourself?

Well not by myself of course, there were a bunch of heros there fighting, including Asterix, and also a couple dwarves and a few elves, and Drow Bish was there too and they all worked together, but it was really cool when Asterix took the first charge, riding Bill right up into the Destroyer's big ugly squid face and chopping off one of his big ugly squid legs. It was an awesome opener and I think it really gave our whole army the confidence to keep fighting, even though they were totally outnumbered and being mindcontrolled by those awful, evil, gross squiddy mindflayer people. We didn't have a whole army's worth of the magic circlets that block the evil mindcontrol stuff, so sometimes people in the army were forced to do awful things like turn around and start fighting on the bad side, it was really terrible and I can't even imagine how it must have been to see your comrades like that. But I didn't really see that until later, because I was busy sneaking at first, so I could get behind Squidface and stab him in his stupid big ugly squid butt. He got pretty angry when I did that and took a swing or two at me, but I'm just one little acrobat, and he didn't really seem too interested in fighting me with all those grand paladins and warriors in front of him. So of course all the fighters distracted him and I had to give him a good zing again! I always said it's not a real good zing until you do it twice, but I guess that's a little different with my usual job --

Um yes, indeed, so you really did fight toe-to-toe with the Destroyer?

Yes I did, well, it was toe-to-heel at first, but after the second good stab, ol' Squidface turned around and really started trying to get me out of the way, I guess because his poor tender stupid big ugly squid butt had taken just about enough stabbing, except it was really funny 'cause he couldn't actually hit me, so I got to make faces at him, at least until we all finished beating him into submission, which was really cool. I made faces at the Destroyer! Heehee. Then the heros all went to join the army, 'cause we still had to keep them at bay and make sure there was enough space for everyone else to start the rituals. I got to join the army too. There were the two rituals they had to do, so once I'd made sure they were all set to get started, I was running around the circle trying to lend a hand, or a sword, wherever our army was starting to cave in, and then I spotted one of the Illithid generals and managed to make an awesome run over there and stabbity-death him, and it was really awesome because it really helped our army's morale and everyone started fighting even harder! It was an amazing, huge effort from every soldier on that field, so to any of you out there who fought, I cannot thank you enough, and to those friends and family who lost someone down there, I am so very sorry that I couldn't be more places at once. I know an apology can't fill an empty space in a parent, child or lover's heart, but I want to say that every man and woman on that battlefield stood to protect the whole Empire, the entire world even, and I couldn't be more proud of all of them -- soldier or support, hero or flag-bearer. Those are difficult shoes to wear, and everyone I saw did a stunning job.

Folks, just a tiny sample of how eloquent Gwen can be when she feels strongly about a subject. I think I'm going to need a tissue...

I'm not really sure how long I spent running around the circle as army-support, but it sure felt like a long time. I think it took at least half an hour or an hour for each ritual, 'cause they were pretty long, drawn out magic things that I really don't understand very well. I just knew they were complicated, and involved a lot of people who would have to sacrifice their lives to get the job done. They were very brave.

So what happened when the rituals finished?

Well, I think it was the same the whole way across the whole world. There was that funny sort of whump feeling and everything went a little weird. Magic started dying out, and we were stuck trying to figure out how we could heal all our wounded, struggling to organize the army when everyone was so exhausted and overwhelmed. And then all my friends were dead and I had to get the heros and the army people to help bring them all home. It was harder to bring every one of my friends home dead that it was to stand face to face with the Destroyer and stare him down. It made me very sad and angry at the same time, and I don't feel either one very often, so I was totally unprepared for it. I was ready to fight him again for each and every one of them, if it could've prevented their sacrifices.

Oh dear, I'm sorry sweetie, here, have some of the tissues.

Thanks...I mean, there is something very gut-wrenching about having to see all your friends laid out lifeless in a row of beds, and picking and choosing who to bring back first. I'm not used to being the one who makes the decisions, especially not life and death decisions, and these were difficult ones to make. And on my way home, with everyone in the back of the wagon, trying to figure out how I was going to manage this with the difficulties everyone was having with their magic, and even with healing our wounded, the big mommy dragon stepped in to tell me somehow I could help the few friends I thought couldn't be helped. But now knowing how was so frustrating, it just added to the many things I suddenly had to think about, all at once. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to face, and I never want to feel like that ever again.

I know it's in my prayers that none of us will have to go through something like this again. I think it's in almost everyone's prayers around the world.

Well, that's why we did the extra second ritual, that they've never tried before, because it should mean no one ever does, not for this Destroyer. He is gone forever now, and I was lucky enough to get all my friends back.

Maybe we should be talking about a happier occasion. Last time, you mentioned you had a birthday coming up. Lots of people wrote in wishing you the best, as you turn 22, and also wondering what you did to celebrate! Why don't you tell us a little about that?

Oh it was really quite lovely, we went out and walked around capitol city, and then we had this wonderful lunch at a really nice restaurant downtown. Then when I got back to the palace, they took me over to the baths and I got a perfectly blissful soak in the hot baths and they brushed my hair and everything and my friends had gotten me a sparkly hairpiece they used, and then the Empress summoned me down to the ballroom 'cause everyone was all gathered together and they had a huge birthday ball just for me! It was all very warm and fuzzy and we had a great time dancing and there was an amazing dinner too.

Wow, that sounds pretty amazing. So what's next?

Well it seems like after the big whump when we unsquidded Squidface things have gone a little weird with magic and technology, and people aren't quite sure what to do or how it all works. We'll be doing anything we can to help sort it all out and get through the next year. I don't know exactly what's in store but I'm pretty sure the Empress has things she wants us to do. I don't usually get too involved in the plans, 'cause things always seem to go wacky when I do and everyone else doesn't always like things quite so, well, unplanned.

Okay, well I'm sure you'll have more adventures to talk about next time you're back in town!

Thanks, take care everyone!