Difference between revisions of "The List of Things I Hate With Every Fiber of My Being"

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*My car alarm. I didn't buy it, it came with the car, and it's automatically enabled every time my car auto-locks, so that next time I try to open it without the beepy-key, I get horned like a motherfucker. Seriously, the car currently contains 2 blonde wigs, bunny ears, and a little over a gallon of camping fuel - no one wants anything in there except for me.
 
*My car alarm. I didn't buy it, it came with the car, and it's automatically enabled every time my car auto-locks, so that next time I try to open it without the beepy-key, I get horned like a motherfucker. Seriously, the car currently contains 2 blonde wigs, bunny ears, and a little over a gallon of camping fuel - no one wants anything in there except for me.
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*Whoever packed my leftovers at the Japanese restaurant last night. Liquids do NOT go in those square cardboard containers, mmmkay? Don't they have an instruction manual back there for you mongoloids who don't know how to pack a take-out container? Thanks to you I have teriyaki sauce spilled ALL INSIDE MY BAG which is JUST WHAT I NEED first thing in the morning after 4 hours of sleep.

Revision as of 09:39, 15 June 2009

  • Traffic
  • Road construction
  • PTC Windchill
  • Condescending people who act as though they are somehow better than me
  • Really bad timing
  • People who borrow my torches for fire breathing and spit lamp oil on the torch to keep it lit when it's going out. SERIOUSLY ASSHOLES, HOLD THE FUEL IN YOUR MOUTH FOR THE 30 SECONDS IT TAKES TO GET ANOTHER ONE LIT. I had an inch of backwash and fouled fuel at the bottom of my fuel bucket that literally looked like HOT TURKEY BROTH because it had nasty oil bubbles floating all around the top - all from you turds spitting all over my beautiful handmade torches and then dipping it back in the white gas bucket. Every time you do that, you make the burn time shorter because the kevlar is soaked in backwash! Then your backwash gets on my poi!
  • MS Word's auto-correction feature and auto-formatting feature. See here, you damn piece of overly user-friendly software, I SPELLED it "groincobbler" intentionally, and if I WANTED it to be on indented bullets I would have said so! You're like that overbearing girl in kindergarten that was always telling everyone exactly how to sculpt their Play-Doh. Stay out of my business, you nosy little shit!
  • People who do not learn from their bad decisions and repeatedly make the same mistakes and constantly need bailing out
  • Same said people who whine about how hard their life is when they could be getting by fine if they would only stop and think about how they got there in the first place
  • The illogical (and often lack of), road signage on the east coast. 95-North is 3-South?! What kind of crappy cartographer made THAT one up?
  • Deval Patrick's decision to continue tolls on the Mass Turnpike even once the original plan in which the tolls paid for the Pike's construction over a set number of years was up. $1.40?! Thanks to you, I have to keep a dollar, a quarter, a dime, and a nickel in change with me in my cupholder whenever I want to go anywhere west of Boston!
  • The CharlieTicket system. IF IT AIN'T BROKE, WHY THE FUCK DIDJA BRING IN SOME FANCY-PANTS GERMAN-ENGINEERED ELECTRONIC TICKETING SYSTEM THAT COST A FORTUNE AND REQUIRES A ROCKET SCIENTIST ON STAFF FOR MAINTENANCE?! Let me present to you the pros and cons of tokens versus the Charlie system in a simple table here:


System Pros Cons
Old-School Tokens
  • It puts the token in the hole and it goes through the turnstile - humans have been sticking things in holes since the dawn of time, how hard could it be?!
  • Low-cost maintenance of simple mechanical parts - token jammed? Fix it with a paper clip or jump the turnstile!
  • You always know how many rides you have left - it's equal to the number of goddamn tokens you have in your pocket.
  • Tokens double as hobo-money and waitress tips
  • Lose a token, you lose 1 single ride
  • Token sales forced those live attendants to sit in their goddamn booths and DO something, so there was always someone around when you needed one, and they would always be willing to break a $20, which is more than you can say for any given bar in Central.
  • Lack of litter and byproducts - no one throws away a token and no one gets a useless-ass receipt when they buy one.
  • Bus efficiency: a handful of change dumped into the funnel of the change counter at the front bought you a bus ride
  • Tokens present a choking hazard
CharlieCards
  • Proximity card can reinforce sense of satisfaction and self-importance in people who pretend that they have a high-tech access badge on their way to their job at the Dunkin Donuts.
  • Frequently busted-ass ticketing machines that claim to be Credit Card Only and yet 9 times out of 10 are unable to read any of the credit cards that you have emptied out of your wallet
  • All change is given in useless coins. Awesome! $18.32 in change is EXACTLY what I wanted right before going to the airport! AND WHAT PARKING METER AM I SUPPOSED TO PUT THESE DOLLAR COINS AND SUSAN B.'s IN?
  • Proximity cards easily rendered useless with the swift application of a magnet
  • Ridiculous fare hike to pay for multi-million-dollar new ticketing system. Thanks MBTA, it was cheaper to drive and pay for parking.
  • Shitty-ass security cracked within first few months of operation by an MIT student who was particularly irate about paying said new fares. Thanks MBTA, I totally didn't need my credit card information kept private anyway.
  • Proximity cards display Charlie's handsome visage and exactly ZERO useful information. SURPRISE! You have 23 cents left on your ticket. Uh oh, is that the last train to Alewife you hear pulling in? Better hurry and add some fare to that Charliecard! What? Credit card unreadable, and the change slot is spitting out your last mangled dollar bill, and there's not a single MBTA attendant to be seen? Mmm... hope you like spending the night in the subway. Better go grab that one bench that doesn't smell like pee before the regular hobos tuck in for the night.
  • Poorly-constructed sensor system at entry points frequently result in hurried commuters embarrassingly getting smashed in the face by delayed-action gate actuation. My GRANDMA moves faster than your gate opens, you dipshits. Haven't you ever heard of CALIBRATION?
  • There is ALWAYS SOME ASSHOLE standing at the front of the bus trying to update their CharlieCard with a credit card holding everything up while the bus driver is half-assedly pulled over to the curb which causes a massive traffic jam (which, as you will note, is at the top of this list of things I hate)


  • Self-identifying, misguided feminists and feminazis. Listen hon, I'm going to be the last one in the world to say "women are inferior to men" and I think I'm a pretty good living example of "women doing it for themselves" when it comes down to it, but I also happen to accept that I can't pee on the ceiling without standing on my head. Has it ever occurred to you that if you "womyn" don't constantly preach about how different you are because you're sportin' an innie down there instead of a beef whistle, that people might focus on other qualities that actually make you worthwhile? Since when does just being a woman automatically make you worth the air you breathe, and entitle you to extra help? Who said women even *need* help? STUPID people need help. Stupidity extends across every gender, race, and other hot-button identification label based on passive traits that has its own special-interest activist-group. I purposely go by "Kim" on my resume and leave out every possible gender-identifying indicator, just so hiring managers won't know whether I'm a chick or a guy. Quota-filling hiring practices OFFEND me! How would you feel if you got hired for a job or got into college because of something you were born with, instead of how qualified you were? Like ass! So ladies, if you want to be treated like you CAN do something, you'd best be proving it. Emphasizing the differences between types of humans when the ultimate goal is to treat *everyone* with the same set of rights is self-defeating.
  • Really, while we're at it same as above for every other "minority" activist out there. And by that I mean those stupid ones that are based on things that people are born with, and haven't achieved. Holy crap, I ACHIEVED being ASIAN! I deserve a prize and a scholarship!
  • People who cannot say "sorry" when they are wrong or have made a mistake. Hope you enjoy being "right" every single day of your life because no one else sure as hell does, you asshat.
  • Really un-stylish drunks. The ones that loudly knock shit over and break things and think they're hilarious and great. Actually, you crossed the line and now you're not just a drunk, you're That Guy and no one loves you, least of all your fellow drunkards. You give us amusing drunks a bad name.
  • Cross-platform incompatibility.
  • My car alarm. I didn't buy it, it came with the car, and it's automatically enabled every time my car auto-locks, so that next time I try to open it without the beepy-key, I get horned like a motherfucker. Seriously, the car currently contains 2 blonde wigs, bunny ears, and a little over a gallon of camping fuel - no one wants anything in there except for me.
  • Whoever packed my leftovers at the Japanese restaurant last night. Liquids do NOT go in those square cardboard containers, mmmkay? Don't they have an instruction manual back there for you mongoloids who don't know how to pack a take-out container? Thanks to you I have teriyaki sauce spilled ALL INSIDE MY BAG which is JUST WHAT I NEED first thing in the morning after 4 hours of sleep.
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