French Macarons

Those familiar with my ham-handed approach to measurements, baking, and life in general might be surprised to discover that I enjoy crafting the finest, most notoriously finicky French desserts. Despite including verbs such as "crap" in place of "pour" and measurements units like "a bitchload" in my cooking vocabulary, as my brother would say, "this seems exactly like the kind of anal-retentive activity you would enjoy."

Basic [Bitch] Macarons

Ingredients:

225g Powdered Sugar

125g Almond Flour

25g Sugar

3 Egg Whites

Tools:

1 electric mixer

1 sifter

1 food or crack scale

1 spatula (preferably bendy)

1 tall glass

1 large mixing bowl

1 medium mixing bowl

1 large tupperware soup container

1 pastry bag fitted with about a 1/4" diameter tip (CRUCIAL: DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS WITHOUT A PASTRY BAG - EVERY SUBSTITUTE I HAVE FOUND HAS RESULTED IN ABJECT FAILURE)

2 large baking trays

Parchment paper

Stencil (optional but super handy. See note below)

This is one of those projects where a whole lot of setup directly impacts how much of an enormous fucking mess you make, and your subsequent baking results. So, don't try to skip a step - you will be 10 flavors of mad when you're covered in batter, pinching a pastry bag shut, and wishing for that third hand to smear that cookie you piped back into the right shape. First, cut out your parchment paper to the size of your baking trays. If you have stencils, lay the parchment paper on top of them. Stage those in a nice flat area. Next, take the large tupperware and put it on the crack scale and zero it out. Measure up the almond flour, and the powdered sugar. Now shove all of it through the sifter into the medium mixing bowl. Set that aside. Take the large mixing bowl, put it on the crack scale and zero it out. Measure up the sugar, then put your bowl back on the table. Dump in the egg whites you've separated (maybe save the egg yolks for making a buttercream filling, hmmm?) and whip that dirty bastard with the electic mixer whisk just until it's nice and foamy but not full-on meringue stiff. When you think you've just about gotten there, take the bowl and flip it over (carefully, you dumbass) and see if the foam stays in. Hint: you need to keep whipping until it does not slide out all over your table. Don't over-whip it or you'll have to do a lot of pressing to get the batter back to the right texture. Now, take the sifted mixture in the medium mixing bowl, and dump it all at once into the large mixing bowl. Whip out your spatula and begin folding that mixture into a batter. It will look sandy and impossible to mix at first, but it will get there in about 20 strokes. At 20 strokes, start to press the batter mixture to the sides of the bowls as you mix - this is pressing out some of the excess air that you whipped into the egg whites. Keep folding/pressing for about 50 strokes (use your judgment, but the batter should flow a little like not-fully-mixed brownie batter from a box-cake mix). When it's done, put your pastry bag in the tall glass and fold the edges over the sides about an inch. Load it up with your macaron batter (there, wasn't that easy?). Push the batter down towards the tip, then twist up the end of the pastry bag. Now pipe about 50-55 little macarons on those trays you set up earlier. Once you're done piping, give each pan a good firm slam down on the countertop to knock out the excess air bubbles. Start preheating your oven to 300 degrees, and give the macarons about 30 min to set up. They should have a nice solid dried shell on top (you can touch it with your finger) before you shove 'em in the oven. Pull out the stencils if you used them. Bake for 12-15 minutes. For my oven, 15 minutes results in a perfect macaron. You'll know they're perfect because they'll look like a macaron, and because they will peel easily off the parchment paper without disemboweling themselves when they are cooled (undercooked or screwed up macarons will be hollow and stick to the paper). Cool completely before filling with buttercream.

Note: A handy stencil to help guide your sloppy piping skills can be easily made by drawing a shitload of circles about 1" apart on one or two pieces of white printer paper taped together (and trimmed to fit your baking pans). I find the cap of a mini Advil bottle to be a great size for stenciling these circles.

Flavoring Variations

Add these to your sifted pile of almond flour and powdered sugar for more exciting battle combos!

1-2 tbsp ground lavender

1 teabag finely ground Earl Grey

Vanilla bean pod scrapings